Since I set my intention to get out and get uncomfortable at the beginning of this year, I’ve had some personal and professional encounters. Some are good, and some are less than ideal. Reflecting on those interactions reminded me of a poem by Brian A. “Drew” Chalker titled Reason, Season, or A Lifetime.
I first heard the poem during the most challenging time of my life. My marriage unraveled around the same time as the pandemic swept the globe. I spent nights scrolling through my meditation app, InsightTimer, while my newborn son slept, desperate for solace. Then, an elderly woman’s gentle voice cut through the silence: “People always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime…”
Over the years, I’ve returned to this poem like a compass. It taught me that relationships aren’t accidents, even the painful ones. They’re assignments, or soul agreements, some would say.
Every person who crosses our path, whether for a day or a decade, plays a positive or a negative role; they all contribute to shaping who we are.
I want to share the poem with you first; then, we can break it down and learn how to spot the blessings in each type of relationship.
The Poem
Reason, Season, or A Lifetime
People always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
By Brian A. “Drew” Chalker
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason. You need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, and sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes, they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met and our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. Like spring turns to summer and summer to fall, the season eventually ends.
LIFETIME relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons, those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people anyway, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant.
From Loss to Gratitude
The poem starts with “People always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.”
But how can you figure out which one it is? I found that it’s the hardest and might be the most painful part. It’s because when you do figure that out (and it’s not a lifetime relationship), you also start the grief process simultaneously because a loss has either already happened or is going to happen.
You see, I fixated on the grief of endings. Now, I see the poem as a love letter to impermanence—and a reminder that every person who crosses our path leaves us with a gift, even if it takes years to unwrap.
Let’s break down each category, weave in my messy (and hopeful) stories, and explore how to find gratitude in all of them.
Reason Relationships: Divine Assignments
What the Poem Says:
“They have come to assist you through a difficulty… to meet a need you have expressed. Then… they will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.”
My Experience:
When my marriage fell apart, two strangers randomly showed up in my life. With a shared background in psychology, they were both email subscribers to my food blog.
R had read many of my blogs quietly. At the end of 2020, after a year of battling on my own, I mentioned my life changes in the year-end review email to my readers. It was unusual for me to get so personal. Yet, I was desperately seeking support during the lockdown, or maybe I was sending a prayer to the Universe as I was afraid of telling my family and friends. Sometimes, it’s easier to talk to strangers. R reached out and offered her help as a licensed therapist. For whatever reason, we didn’t use Zoom for our sessions. What we did was writing therapy via emails. Writing to her and expecting her insights at the time felt like a lifeline to me. And it was.
Later, I realized that the act of writing itself is a form of therapy. Having R reflect it back to me in her writings was immensely impactful. R aided me through the early stages of deep grief when the emotions were too raw to process on my own. She introduced me to Pema Chödrön’s book, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times, from which I became a meditator.
After a few short months, we stopped writing to each other at some point, and then she unsubscribed from my email list. I haven’t heard from her ever since.
The story is much different for the other godsend, B, a 78-year-old hospice chaplain. B not only showed up for a reason and stayed for a season but has also become my spiritual mentor and soul anchor. He shares his profound wisdom in guiding me through life’s ups and downs.
When sadness or distress hits me, “You cry,” he says, “I’ll do my part from the other side of the world.”
My relationship with B is a lifetime one, which we’ll explore shortly.
Pictured is B with his beloved dog, Nemo, in Southern California, CA.
Holistic Lens:
Reason Relationships are like emergency vitamins—they give you exactly what you lack, right when you’re deficient. You’re not meant to rely on them forever. Their purpose is to equip, not stay.
Examples & Lessons:
- The Stranger Who Changed Your Geography: A traveler in the park raves about Barcelona’s cobblestone streets. Two years later, you’re sipping sangria in Spain. Their gift? A nudge toward courage.
- The Teacher Who Lit a Fire: A substitute teacher praises your doodles in third grade. Today, you design logos for Fortune 500 companies. Their gift? The whisper: “You’re good enough.”
- The Fling That Taught Self-Worth: A 3-month romance turns toxic, but leaving it taught you to say “No” and set boundaries. Their gift? A backbone made of steel.
These people arrive like shooting stars—unexpected, dazzling, gone too soon. But their impact? Eternal.
Sharon’s Invitation:
Who handed you a ‘vitamin’ when you needed it most?
Season Relationships: Chapters of Shared Growth
What the Poem Says:
“Your turn has come to share, grow, or learn… They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. But, only for a season.”
My Experience:
When I transitioned to a consultant position at an international commercial real estate company where I worked in Shanghai, D took over my position as the executive personal assistant to our department head. We quickly became friends since we worked in the same department and shared our love for swimming and dancing. We’d meet at the pool at 5:30 am twice a week, swim together, shower, and then head straight to the ladies room in our office building to put on makeup. By 8:30 am, we were at our desks, glamorously ready to take on the day.
There were many heart-to-heart conversations, deep thoughts, laughter, and tears at the poolside. Over the years, as we grew professionally in our respective lines of work within the same company, our connection grew more profound simultaneously. Then, one day, during our break in the pool, D told me she could no longer join the morning swim with me for health reasons. Soon after, life took us to different places.
I cried hard during our farewell. Fast forward to a decade later, and I still think of D whenever I’m in solitude under the water every week.
Examples & Lessons:
- The College Friend Who Helped You Find Your Voice:
They dragged you to karaoke nights, nudged you to declare your major, and cried with you over breakups. Though you’ve drifted, their laughter still echoes in your confidence. Their gift? The courage to take up space. - The Boss Who Pushed You Higher:
Your first manager saw potential you didn’t. They mentored you, challenged you, and wrote your LinkedIn recommendation. Their gift? A career built on self-trust. - The Ex Who Reminded You Life’s Impermenance:
A marriage ends, but you carry forward co-parenting patience, resilience, a love for Chipotle peppers, or the guts to live on your own terms. Their gift? Proof that endings can be amicable and that you are stronger than you think!
These bonds are like summer storms—intense, transformative, and finite. They thrive in a specific season of life, then fade with grace.
Holistic Lens:
Season Relationships are like yoga teachers—they stretch you in ways that ache initially, then leave you stronger. Their endings aren’t failures but natural transitions, like swapping sandals for snow boots.
Sharon’s Invitation:
What ‘season’ stretched you into a better version of yourself?
Lifetime Relationships: Your Soul’s Anchor
What the Poem Says:
“Lifetime relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons. Your job is to accept the lesson and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant.”
My Experiences:
“You swim like a shark!” The words slipped out before I could second-guess striking up a conversation with a stranger mid-lap. There she was in the next lane—a human torpedo cutting through the water with such ferocity that the YMCA pool in South Austin might as well have been the open ocean. Her name was A, and though we’d collide as polar opposites, that chance encounter would anchor a friendship more profound than any distance.
As the branch manager of that particular YMCA I joined, A was a force of nature both in and out of the pool: a vegan tornado of extroversion, radiating energy that could power a small city. I, meanwhile, thrived in quiet corners and carb-loaded comfort. Yet, our differences became a rhythm. Over the years, we traded roles as guide and griever, dreamer and doubter—through breakups, cross-country moves, and existential crossroads. When I faltered, A was my lighthouse, constantly reminding me of my strength, her love as relentless as her freestyle strokes.
In the above photo, A is playfully lifting my 4-month-old son into the air at the Westin Hotel in Austin, TX, during our 2019 visit.
Today, an ocean separates us physically. But some bonds defy geography. Ours is a thread stitched through time zones, woven tighter with every shared sunrise text and midnight vulnerability. The shark who once raced through chlorine waters now navigates life’s currents beside me—always in my wake, always ahead, always there.
Holistic Lens:
Lifetime relationships are your daily greens—not always exciting, but essential for long-term health. They’re the compost that transforms life’s mess into fertile soil.
These rare souls are your constants—the ones who’ve seen you at your worst and still answer your 3 a.m. texts.
Sharon’s Invitation:
Who’s your ‘daily green’—the person who nourishes you, even when it’s mundane?”
The Unspoken Truth: You Don’t Need to Label Them Perfectly
As I mentioned earlier, Chalker’s poem begins with a quiet truth: “When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.”
What if I asked you, “Who in your life right now feels like a reason, a season, or a lifetime? And—if you’re brave—what would it look like to act on that knowing?”
Only you can answer that question, but what if the answer changes? My ex was a “lifetime”… until he wasn’t. My swimming friend? A “season” I’ll treasure forever.
My new perspective on Chalker’s poem is that it isn’t a diagnostic tool—it’s a lens for gratitude. You might realize a “reason” person inspired a lifetime lesson, or a “season” friend feels like family years later. The point isn’t to categorize but to ask:
“What did this person teach me about myself? What did this relationship teach me about resilience, joy, or my own heart?”
A Holistic Exercise to Honor Every Connection
As I near the end of this piece, I’ve already sent emails to R and D—though I’m unsure if replies will follow. Writing this article has stirred me to express my gratitude more openly and outwardly, beyond the page. Case in point: I dashed off heartfelt 3 a.m. texts (US time, which translates to a perfectly reasonable Hong Kong afternoon) to A and B, ensuring they know how deeply I treasure their friendship. (Sleep matters, after all—I’m now committed to my eight hours.)
Now, I’d like to encourage you to do the same.
- Thank a “Reason” Human: Send a text to someone who briefly but powerfully impacted you (“That advice you gave me in 2018? It changed everything.”)
- Celebrate a “Season” Memory: Light a candle for a past chapter—a job, a home, a friendship, or an ex. Whisper, “Thank you for the growth.”
- Nourish a “Lifetime” Bond: Write a letter to your bedrock person. Tell them why they’re your anchor.
Over to You: Let’s Build a Gratitude Mosaic
Who’s someone—a reason, season, or lifetime soul—who surprised you with their gifts? Share in the comments. Your story might be someone else’s nudge to reframe their relationships.
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